Will it be Asda?
Damn it. Knew it anyway.
Sometime I just hate that job for being what it is. For
liking it loving it enough to consider taking a position which won't pay enough, but on top of that will keep me away from my darling boyfriend for just too many months.
While I should be glad that I won't be stuck in the midlands for one more year, free to move wherever i'm pleased, I can only fight back a few tears, because I hate to admit that sometime things do not go my way. A bit of a spoilt brat reaction, I know. Maybe because I know the only thing I'm really good at is my job. Because I've put all my efforts into it, made many sacrifices to take it to this point. My project is my baby and it makes me sad when people don't understand how great and fantastic it is. As a result, I'm just being stupidly upset for not getting through the interview, because to me it means I'm not good enough for them. Which is just so upsetting.
Meanwhile, I knew I was sooo out of my depth on this one. I could take the softer, but ever so patronising approach toward myself, reflecting that "I least I tried", or "it is good experience for the future". If you feel inclined to say such things, please just hold back. Because it makes me snap. My inner angry teenager just wants to kick out, screaming "it's soooo unfair". Not a pretty sight. But I'm not pretending to be all lovely, girly and a good looser. Because I hate losing, like most. Because it suggests that I might not be fit for a career in science.
Arg. And now, the void in front of me is even scarier than previously, as I don't know where I'm going. I just wish things were easier someday. That I could just finish the thesis writing, and move home, to my mum, to have a little cry and hide under the duvet, until things sort themselves out.
But things aren't like that, since no-one at home really gets how painful that kind of negative result is. It's not just a job. It's my life, my job, my Gilsons. Trying to explain all that to them would be like sticking a giant "Weirdo" sticker on my forehead. So I stay in Albion, and consider more and more to go out, pick an application form from Sainsbury, or worst, Asda, and forget about the job I like, and stick to filling shelves for a living.
Dull, but at least no risk to feel as upset as I do now. Because it feels like a heartbreak. Shame.
# mimile, le Vendredi 1 Juillet 2005, 13:59 dans "bienvenue sur l ile maudite".