Looking back [in anger?]

The unlikely song of the day is Weezer's We are all on drugs, that I'm playing over and over again, I don't quite know why. The suicidal tendencies of the day before are still there, as it happen a little too often those days. Craving for something else, or rather something more, it seems. When I ought to be writing my very dull stuff, I just ming around, hoping to catch inspiration while cutting my split ends.

The stroppy teenager is back, and what I'm craving for today is that feeling that was very much present after my bac de francais, back in 97, or at the end of my DUT not so long ago. Just the impression of living a bit on the edge, doing illegal things, experimenting with stuff, mostly chemical stuff, just for the sake of trying new things. been there, done that. With every day that goes by, I feel I'm losing a bit more of my frenchness, a bit more of the wildness of my teenage years. Today I eat English, I think english, in a kind of rather demure way which seems miles away from the way I used to be before settling in the England. And while I'm mourning my old ways, I sip my Ovaltine light. I've had my 5 portions of veg already. My hair is shinny, my nails clean, painted and square. I sware less and less. Although it might be a good thing, I just want to find again the kind of dynamic that was there in my french Uni days, when we used to run from Jean Macé to get to the Loft before 11 pm, to get in free. Dancing and drinking Gin on an empty stomach, ending up sweaty and tired, only to run back to catch the first subway train to Uni, to start another long day sponsored by Marlboro light. Having sexy bad boy boyfriend, cheating bastard and likes, to had a bit of thrill, to give enough to moan about. Weighing an unhealthy 8 stones, squeezing a 18 year old body in tailored jackets, fending away admirers from the table at the Rep'.

Can't even relate to that anymore. Weight a far to healthy X stones [can't face stepping on the scales anymore], have decided that tailored jackets aren't flattering for womanly bust, that running is not lady like, that bad boys aren't the way forward. Date very recommendable young english guy. Bake carrot cake on sundays. Appreciate tea more than gin. Stoped bullashiting about men, clothes, make up, only to be obsessed with the parsing of my Blast outputs, regular expressions and pattern matching.

Before leaving, my newly acquired Scot colleague wispered in my ear "remember, your goal is to submit before Cake Lady". As silly as it may seem, the competition could be the only valuable incentive to make me get down writing the dull stuff. That's how things change. Or maybe the incentive could be "Get it done, and you'll get your old life back". The parties, the figure, the social life, the occasionnal recreationnal drugs, the vanity, the shallowness. No more boring talks about E values and Interproscan, which would bore the geekiest of all friend circles.

Don't even know if I would like that or not. Because what I thought would be the end of a painfull journey only happens to be the beginning of something more lenghty, with no time to take a break, or to breath, or to regain some kind of composure, at least. Because I can see myself, all drained and aged, walking straight into the next stage of the game. It just drives me mad. I regret this gap year I never took. I regret the gap year I will never take.

Hopefully it will get better tomorrow.

When you're out with your friends
In your new Mercedes Benz and you're
On drugs
And you show up late for school cuz
You think your really cool when you're
On drugs
And you put on your headphones
And you step into the zone when you're
On drugs
But the world don't care
If your not there cuz you're
On drugs

Give it to me
We are all on drugs yeah
Never getting enough (Never get enough)
We are all on drugs yeah
Give me some of that stuff (Wooooh)

And you twitch in your seat cuz
You wanna hit the street when you're
On drugs
And you cause such a fuss cuz
There's no one you can trust when you're
On drugs
And the best of your days
Will all vanish into haze when you're
On drugs
And you wish you could quit cuz
You're really sick of it but you're
On drugs

Give it to me
We are all on drugs yeah
Never getting enough (Never get enough)
We are all on drugs yeah
Give me some of that stuff (Wooooh)

I want to confiscate your drugs
I don't think I can get enough (Uh)

Give it to me
We are all on drugs yeah
Never getting enough
We are all on drugs yeah
Give me some of that stuff (Wooooh)

We are all on drugs (We are all on drugs)
We are all on drugs (We are all on drugs)
We are all on drugs (We are all on drugs)
We are all on drugs (We are all on drugs)
(Wooooh)

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