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Feeling empty on monday

I am left feeling empty and sad from a long week-end. I was dreading today as an evil monday, and I am currently hidding in my metal box, with the pigeon rattling behind the thin walls. The amount of work to do seems overwhelming, I have no idea if my boss will be on his shift here or at the main hospital, and the prospect of him popping up to my office, or worst, the phone ringing with his PA asking me to pop down, fills me with despair.

I am still debating if I'm going to use the autoprocessing option on the GC software, if it's compatible with our analysis, if it makes sense. Work is just a long serie of decisions to make, with the constant struggle of having to deal with a very lazy team. The first deadline for grant application has wizzed past us last friday, and for once I managed to do things on time, at the cost of some lost dignity, with me running up and down the stroke unit, labcoat flying open, chasing my lost student, under the non-approving eyes of elderly people on wheelchair.

Last friday, I wished monday would be the start of a constructive, pleasant, efficient week. Since I started this job, I have seeked ways to be efficient and objective, without loosing myself in dead-ends and non-ending procrastination. I just wished the WE would be pleasant enough to leave me relaxed and in a good frame of mind to start a challenging week.
Today, I just feel sad, drained and empty.

It all stems from tiny details that each felt like a little pinch to the heart. I know myself to be quite difficult when my surroundings have to adapt for the sake of others. It's my ongoing battle to be more sociable, to feel a bit less of a boiling, angry feeling when things don't go my way, or when I have to reschedule.
When Dr. A's friends arrived, I was aware it would be a struggle to make them accept our way of life. Where I usually leave no grey area, to avoid people assuming rather than knowing, my darling boy is happy not to set things straight. The guests ended up tip-toeing around the question of wether or not I am a "live-in" girlfriend, which, to me, sounds a bit like a cheap brand of some kind of easy sexual distraction. They admired the boy's flat, the boy's books, the boy's kitchen, the boy's CDs, the boy's cooking, the boy's 6 cereal toasted musli bkfst with its fresh fruit salad. My materialistic self was just crying inside me for being depossesed from those things that make 'me' and 'us'.
We drove around the lochs, with him automatically sitting in the front seat, relagating me to the back. It sounds all terribly childish, and it's sad, somehow. It's just I tried to hold my gaze on the road, trying to keep some sort of inner balance, to avoid ending up bent over the grass on the side of the road, throwing up my lunch. In the meantime, my boy was driving along, fullfilling his duty of being a nice entertaining comitee member, forgeting his flu and the fever. Our guests, or, rather, his guests, said, at least, "that's nice, it's relaxing".

The WE went on with its little pinches, my moods degrading as time went. I ended up in my kitchen, with myself for company.
As far as I'm concerned, they were pleasant, even friendly and fun. But today I'm feeling so tired I want to cry. My boy is sick, I'm doing my job as I used to do my shift at the pub: without great enthousiasm.

I am aware that when I go to the kitchen, different issues are discussed while I'm away. There is always the same questions, regarding religion, and christianity as the only ethical way possible. The lurking evidence that most of the boy's entourage disapprove of me. 'She's nice, but she's not a Christian'. I have never doubted who and what I am, but this allegation wipes away 8 years of catholic school, 25 years of upbringing with Judeo-Christian values. There is no sect I wish to be a member of. I fear groups and communities, as to me they represent the antidote to a logical thought process and to individuality in thoughts and actions. But rejection is never a nice feeling. Such allegations are an insult to 75% of the Christian community, bypassing the importance of both schisms in the evolution of the religious trends. Anglicanism is not christianity, but only a branch of it. I somehow wish those issues could be debated in front of me, as I am sad to see how it affects by darling boy. I wish I could put in perspective all those other ethical trends that do not dilute at all ones faith, but only puts a bit of contrast and open-mindness in the picture.
But I can't. I just bring the apple crumble to the dinner table, and conversations return to the content of this week TV program.

In the meantime, I get more and more aware that my darling boy is being confronted to these persons negative opinion of us, and I in particular. His father seems to be quite active on that front. Being the cause of someone I love sadness isn't a great feeling either. It's strange, because this year, I feel I've read enough to gain a very balanced and stable way of thinking about ethical questions. But yet, I have rarely felt so worthless.

I have never experienced the feeling of not being "good enough". And it's not a nice one.

# mimile, le Lundi 13 Février 2006, 10:08 dans "bienvenue sur l ile maudite".


Ecrit par Dany le Jeudi 16 Février 2006, 10:16

C'est la-men-table. Je peux pas sacquer l'attitude "holyer than thou". J'ai meme pas de mots tellement c'est nul et fondamentalement anti-spirituel aussi. Grrrrrr. Ca me donne envie de sortir tout mon attirail pour démontrer par a + b avec toutes les références bibliques qu'ils veulent qu'ils ont juste tort. 

Si t'as envie de dédramatiser, il y a les tout premiers romans de David Lodge, dont le héros est aussi un catho presque intégriste. Super droles: "How far can you go?" et "The British Museum is falling down". Ca devrait te faire mourir de rire.

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